Much like the way 2011 began for us, it is ending with just as much joy and happiness. For anyone reading who thinks that 'joy and happiness' defines my household, I sincerely apologize for the false advertising because although it is MY brand of joy, it might be unrecognizable to the traditional eye. Every year I create a Christmas card that takes me many hours to put together because I try to make the message and the photos in some way summarize our year. Sometimes I allude to the chaos but mostly I just display the loves of my life and what the year meant to me. I really enjoy the process and the completion is my first dose of 'holiday cheer' as I am glowing from the things that really have mattered to me this year. Who knows why I embark on such a lengthy process during the busiest time of year, I tend to want to dabble in anything artistic but it is easy to understand why many people simply abandon the custom. However, if you have ever been to my home you might debate that a 'non-busy' time even exists but certainly the amperage is increased in December. 

I must also sheepishly admit that I routinely grumble that 'I hate Christmas' although that is the panicky planner in me trying to afford a gift giving spree that exceeds a reasonable budget. I bring it all on myself so I try to keep the complaining to a minimum. But each year it all gets turned back around. Christmas Eve with my siblings and their families was so much fun (as it always is) and Christmas morning began with the best photo ever and carried on to include a bunch of happy, grateful and loving children. I was overwhelmed with happiness all day long reflecting on how happy the kids were, how much they showed me their love and how badly I wanted to be a good mother to them. I finally had to admit to myself that I guess I never hated Christmas after all, only the stress, work and expense that leads up to it. But as I am sure it was for many of you, the outcome was certainly worth every moment of worry and work that went into it.

Prior to Christmas Juliana said to  me, "Look  at me. I want to see your reaction when I ask you this question." 
Uh oh.."Is Chris getting me a ring for Christmas so that I can wear it while he is away on tour?"
For those of you who don't know, any time Chris performs he takes her ring for luck, wearing it on a chain either on his neck as he did in his American Idol audition or around his wrist. He references that in his song 'Juliet' where he sings, "The world can see my Juliet around my neck—not a weight, she's keeping my head up." I might have mentioned this line before but it bears mentioning again (and again, and again... you get the picture). I am quite proud and impressed by this song as well as the others on the album and since they were inspired by his experiences in the last two years, and I have witnessed his emotions that became that music ... I feel the songs in my bones as he sings. 

But back to Juliana's question. My challenge was this: I didn't want to lie to her, I didn't want to tell her what I know, and I  didn't want her to figure it out from my expression (which she was clearly banking on) so I resorted to being suitably appalled that she would try to get me to tell her what Chris was getting her for Christmas. The tactic seemed to derail her X-ray vision at least long enough for me to dodge the conversation. 

She was of course, exactly right. The band of diamonds was a ring he purchased specifically to match her engagement ring so that when she had both of them on, they were a set. Then when he takes her engagement ring with him, she would be left with the other half of his commitment to her. She was very proud of it and asked me throughout the day to make sure I put it on Facebook.
Here's some raw morning footage of her receiving it as  well as the morning photo shoot that means so much to me. I hope you enjoy it  all as much as we did.

It has always been difficult to put things over on Juliana and it still really is. If we walk away from her to discuss something, regardless of how coy we think we are being, she always seems to know that she is the topic of our conversation and immediately wants more information. Her intuition combined with (I think) boredom gives her inspiration and opportunity to search for details. She is also very quick to point out any discrepancies in our message and fixates on them. Her behavior is sometimes characteristic of Aspergers syndrome so in addition to learning how to physically help her heal, we find ourselves dodging the mental landmines that randomly appear from the generalities of normal conversation. For example, if I tell her that she can have a Snickers bar after dinner but it turns out we don't have one, we can ask her and she will gladly accept a Milky Way bar instead. She may even appear content and we think our commitment has been met. However, it is nearly a guarantee that before that night is over she will request and expect the Snickers bar as well. To not provide it makes you a liar. know you are probably thinking that it should be as simple as explaining it to her, giving her options, letting her choose and clearly spelling out the consequences. 14 years of preschool teaching combined with making plenty of mistakes exposed me to those methods. On the rare occasion the full disclosure method will work. But more often than that, precision is really the only answer. I just avoid promising or committing to anything anymore because although I can completely handle her anger toward me, my bigger concern is that I need her to know that she can count on me to mean what I say. So to facilitate that I tap into my current profession in project management and 'under promise and over deliver'. 

In all the ways that a relationship establishes trust, I feel like I have to do it all over again only this time in the mind of a bright yet
fractured intellectual library. It's funny how you take a lifetime gradually getting to know your kids and never think for a moment that you will eventually need to meet them all over again. How lucky I am to have the chance to do so and in the process you are getting to know her as well. That has been what punctuated this year for me and during this particular holiday through my restrained tears I found myself questioning all my choices, all of my actions and all my decisions and seeing myself through my children's eyes. I want to be who they think I am, even if it will always remain an incomplete process. For better or worse, watching my children mature a little more every day, and now watching Juliana flower into the life she will have ... that is my joy and happiness.